Intro To Bam's Life

My brain doesn't allow me to like too many people here on planet Earth. It's not my fault; my bionic brain just does what it wants to do. Although it gives most people the courtesy of my being polite to them when I see them, it doesn't mean I don't talk an immediate heap of crap on them the minute they leave. One of the people I don't do this to is Bam Margera. He gets the platinum stamp of approval, and that's a rarity from me.

I liked this human the minute I met him because he didn't take anything seriouslyunless it was absolutely necessary. He's been on his own level since day two, and you're rarely gonna be bored when you hang out with him. He isn't the type of mainstream human who sits around watching TV, eating Doritos, and drinking delicious Pepsi. He's always doing something, and he's determined to succeed at everything he doeslike Mel Gibson was in Braveheart. He has so much determination that he's not only helping his own life, he's helping out the people around him, pushing their lives forward along with his.

I've witnessed this mug's life from the pudgy, prepubescent dough boy I first met; through his greasy, gawky, pimple period; and finally on to the bleached-haired, West Chester rock star he has become today. He's achieved a lot in lifebesides becoming a professional skater, he has also made two of his own funny naked-people videos called CKY and CKY2K; he's got two cars, one for looking semi-important, and the other for looking important as a mother; and he runs Ryan Gee's life to boot. So as you can see, he's done some stuff, while most people accomplish not too much.

Okay, that's enough of me blowing this kid up, it's now time for me to go look at myself in the mirror for a couple of hours, while I compliment myself on my looks. So now just read his damn interview. I'm done with this writing nonsense.

Peace, Geeks.The Tim O'Connor

Bran

The only thing Bran knows about skateboarding is inverts and Steve Caballero. He's the type of guy who calls wheels "tires" and griptape "sandpaper." Anyway, Bran found out I knew Steve Caballero, so he became my best friend, hoping he could meet Steve to get his 80s-ass Powell deck signed.

Raab

Chris Raab was my best friend from elementary school until tenth grade, when he was shipped to a bad-kids school for shitting on a locker.

Jess

This is my brother Jess, drummer for CKY. It's awesome how they begin band practice at 1:00 a.m. directly under my bedroom. I get rad sleep. But when the new album comes out, and it rocks like a hurricane, I'll know it's all for the better.

Hoof

In '89, Hoof was on this skate team with Maldonado called Team Shabang. I wanted to be on the team so bad, but I never got on. Hoof was the only one who could do kickflips, and he was known for them. Ten years later, Greco rolled up and told Hoof he has mob, and now Hoof spends his days at the bar, drinking his mob away.

Naked Dave

Naked Dave was my homeboy in middle school, then he became friends with Mike Maldonado. Now you can make Naked Dave sightings in the West Chester University area at college parties.

Ryan Dunn

Flipped me in a car eight times into oncoming traffic along with Raab and Jess in a customer's car he wasn't supposed to be driving. He'll be paying off the helicopters, ambulances, and the dude whose car he wrecked until he's 70.

Rake Yohn

Rake is Art Webb 1986's older brother. Rake is actually a scientist. If you aren't on Rake's good side, he could mix up some chemicals and give you a rash. Then your girlfriend will get it. If you ever meet Rake, offer him mustard.

Interview by Hoof

Give a brief description of Bran's personality.

Okay, hmm. Bran is the type of character you're not sure if he's telling the truth. One time, he swore to me that he fed this stray cat a full-size Snickers bar at some haggard apartment complex. Otherwise, Bran is a genius. I mean, the guy can freestyle better than legit rappers, and he doesn't even listen to rap.

Who did the beat for Bran's rap song?

Chad Ginsburg from CKY and I came up with it in the studio during fun time. I couldn't believe how well it flowedit was all freestyle.

Are you in CKY?

No, my brother Jess is. But if I come up with a funny song or whatever, I'll get Deron to play it. For instance, "The Christmas Song" and "Shippensbam" are examples of songs we came up with. But CKY wouldn't consider it a CKY song.

I heard they did the Warped Tour last year. Do they have anything lined up for Summer 2000?

Yeah, they're doing the Warped Tour again, and they have new songs. I'm gonna go on some of it to check 'em out. It'll be good, they're gonna rock like a hurricane!

What else do you have planned this summer?

Well, I'm having a CKY2K premiere in Finland on May 12, and I'll probably kick it there and take a vacation to Moscow with Jussi Kornhole and Rober Kunt.

Who the hell are they?

They're Arto Saari's Finnish homies. Those aren't their real names, we just like those names for them. Rober is flying me out there, so I want to kick it for a bit.

You seem to like going north for vacations. Is Sweden your favorite place to travel?

Sweden was fun, mainly 'cause everyone there is a drunkard, and their favorite pastime is kicking the crap out of each other. I stayed in Stockholm with Ali Boulala for a week, and he couldn't refuse 25-cent-draft signs, no matter what time of day it was.

I think Sweden is the drunkard capital of the world.

Oh, I'm sure that would be true. I remember being at some club called Bombay 'til 3:00 a.m. Boulala and I missed the last bus to his house, and we didn't have time for rational decisions because Ali was hammered and I needed to sleep. We weren't about to walk six miles, so Boulala saw this bike all chained up in the distance. He grabbed a boulder and threw it at the bike 'til the lock broke off. Meanwhile, lights from houses were turning on to see what all the ruckus was about. We hopped on the bike and rode to his house. When we got there, Boulala ditched the bike off the bridge into the river. We ran up to his house, but Boulala's dad wouldn't let us in, 'cause Ali was ridiculously hammered. So we had to go outside and fall asleep in some haggard park.

Did you feel ghetto?

Dude, when you're in Europe for a month with a small backpack and a skateboard, you instantly become ghetto.

Where is your favorite place to travel?

Well, it all depends on who you're with. I'd say going to Iceland with the CKY crewyou know, just friends from high schoolwas the most amazing trip, just being in mountains with the freshest water you could ever have. I read a book on that place Iceland, probably one of the only books I ever finished. I wanted to go there ever since I was at Stetson Middle School.

I can't picture you in school at all. Did you, like, write and stuff?

Laughter Yeah, a little. I only went to school 'cause Chris Raab was in my gym class. He was this little skinny wuss, but he was the biggest dickhead. It was so good! One time this hot-shit basketball jock was rubbing one out into the net during gym class, and Raab gets the rebound, even though he wasn't playing. So this dude's like, "Yo kid, give me the ball!" And Raab is like, "Oh, you want this ball?" Just as Raab is about to hand him the ball, he punts it into the bleachers and hits some jock in the back of the head as he was trying to kick game to some haggard girls. So we have the bleacher dude and the hot-shit basketball fk face-to-face, ready to kill each other. Meanwhile, Raab is in the corner laughing his ass off because of what he started.

Wasn't Raab suspended every other day?

Well, a few weeks after Raab's basketball high jinks, we both missed health class test-day, along with some Asian girl who hadn't said a word all year. So the teacher, Mr. McConnely, puts all three of us in a private room to take the test. After the first four questions, Raab's A.D.D. Attention Deficit Disorder ass starts getting bored, so he begins pissing all over his desk, and I lose it. We were having such a good laugh, consequences didn't matter anymore. I dared Raab to shit on a locker, so he grabs a cup and laughs his way to the bathroom. He came back five minutes later with shit on his shoe. Then the bell rang, class was dismissed, and everyone saw lockers covered in shit. He got expelled two days later. To this day, it's still the biggest talk of East High School.

He always did cross the line. Wasn't he the reason Ryan Dunn flipped you in a car eight times?

I hate this story because it was the worst day of my life besides Ocean City, Maryland. But it's a good one, so I have to tell it. I'm sittin' there in '95, skating my mini ramp with Raab and Jess Jess Idiot. Ryan Dunn comes rolling up in some dope-ass Jetta from his work that he had to install a car stereo in. Instead, he'd decided to take a spin to the King Of Prussia Mall. So now it's Ryan and Jess Jess in the front, and me and Raab in the back. Raab was laughing hysterically into Ryan's ear the whole way, just so we'd have something to laugh about. Ryan kept cranking the volume up to obscene levels to drown out Raab's annoying voice. A few minutes later, we were flipping eight times into oncoming traffic. I broke the window with my head, and Jess flew out of the car. Helicopters showed up, and we backed up traffic for miles. All 'cause of Raab's annoying voice.

What's your life been like since high school?

Planes, trains, and automobiles. I'm so sick of the airport scenario. I'm serious, I could kill someone while on an airplane. There's always a baby crying, a fat fk sitting next to you who's constantly getting up to shit or piss, and always a big melon blocking your view of the TV. And all the TVs play the most heinous movies, like Molly and shit. The last time I was on a plane, this little douche bag was sitting in the distance, fking with his CDs as I was trying to sleep. The personal airplane reading light was reflecting off the kid's CD right into my eyes. I wanted to rip that kid a new asshole.

Okay, if you were going to recommend five albums to go listen to, what would they be?

I'm sure no one would like what I listen to, 'cause its mostly metal, and all anyone cares about these days is either rap or underground hip-hop. I would say my top-five CDs are CKY Vol. 1, Atrocity 89-99, Amorphis Tales From The Thousand Lakes, anything by Depeche Mode, and In Flames Whoracle.

How about movies? What are your top five movies?

Hmm, The Lost Boys, Groundhog Day, Spies Like Us, Robin Hood: Men In Tights ... hmm. That's all I can think of.

Okay, I think we have enough info on you. Is there anything else you want to say ... no, okay great. Oh, and for the record, what is my real name?

Derrek Hoofbite! Laughter.

Never mind. Now say who you want to thank and all that.

No.